History

I decided to fight

The year I turned fifteen

I learned how to backslide

The year I turned sixteen

Four words changed everything

The year I turned seventeen

I began to understand independence

The year I turned eighteen

Life began to unravel

The year I turned nineteen

I decided not to leave

The year I turned twenty

I lost my faith 

The year I turned twenty-one

I discovered what it meant to be brave

The year I turned twenty-two

Found

When I found you 

You had raw edges

That stung and cut

With rage filled eyes

And a silent mouth

You were a complication

That I couldn't figure out

When you found me 

You saw bruises up and down

A map of what had gone wrong

Etched without care

It told you everything

And nothing all at once

Once upon a time

My life is a fairytale

I am not the beauty

I am the beast

Ugly and twisted

With no one able to love me

Eyes Wide Open

I've been walking 
With my eyes closed
Down a path 
That I don't know


Faith is what I needed
Something I couldn't remember
I had shoved it away so long ago


So I started walking 
With my eyes closed
Down a path
That I didn't know


I was afraid to fail
Like so many times before
And add more regrets to the load


But I started walking 
With my eyes closed 
Down a path 
That I didn't know


I don't want to be alone anymore
And you seem to know
Offering your hand for me to hold


My eyes are wide open
We both take a step
Down a path
That I'm starting to call home

Chasing Sunbeams

I am part of the lost generation
Nothing easy or simple
Everything used and broken

But the fractured pieces
Have been here all along

Held together by bandages
And people telling me
That nothing was wrong

The Man In A Business Suit

I saw a man in a business suit

Feeding ducks at the park

I paused in my walk

To watch him silently

And I felt a sort of sadness

Start to envelope me

I couldn't help but wonder

What must have happened

To bring him there

Standing alone in an empty park

Pulling bread from a brown paper bag

And throwing it absentmindedly to the ground

Feeling intrusive I turned to leave

The falling rain followed my footsteps

Offering a muffled beat

Want

I want to curl up
And rock away
From this world

I want to scream
And show everyone
I am not permanent

I want to tear my skin
And find 
Whatever is hiding inside

I want to kick and punch
Leave marks and scars
That can be seen

I want to run 
From my tangled mess
It never leaves

Marks

Fingernail indentations

Marked onto my skin

I stare at them silently

As you keep talking

I curl my hand back

Open and close

And I watch them bleed

While you keep talking

I dig in deeper

Trying to unleash

The emptiness inside of me

And you keep talking 

Grey

I was taught my whole life that some things

Would always be black and white
But now that I've begun to explore

I don't know what to believe in anymore

Although I know that black and white

Are the only colors you have ever seen
I feel as though I've been lied to
About the color that lives in between

And now I don't know what to do
This world of grey that I am walking through
Has me so lost and confused

Dressed Up

I've heard the first step is the hardest
That it gets easier with time
But I'm starting to think
Those words are just dressed up lies
Tricking people into believing
Once time moves by
Everything will return
To its original place
Exactly the same
With nothing changed

You tell me the first step is the hardest
That it gets easier with time
But no matter how hard I try
I can't spin back to a past
That I no longer recognize
With chipped memories
And empty spaces
Your words are just dressed up lies

Haven

You tell me everyone leaves
And you don't believe
I will be the exception

I try to hold on tight
But you slip through
As the morning and I
Begin to break

Fight

You've never pushed me around
I've never felt the sting of a slap

But as fists flew from your mouth
They cut and bruised more
Than any punch thrown could

We stood in shocked silence
Startled in the aftermath