Monday, April 7, 2014

Surfacing




All the poems and stories
I have read
Talk about relief
When making it up to the surface
And finding a way out of the water
Finally being able to breathe

I always knew something was wrong with me

I don't want to break the surface
I've stopped fighting for the way up
I want to stay down here
Buried in the deep
Where it's silent and comfortable
And so easy 

Please let me stay down here in the dark

I know I'm drowning
But the panic is long gone
I am all that is left and I am free
So don't try to save me
I don't want to feel a thing

Wednesday, March 26, 2014

The way out

I.
You are an obstacle course
And I have taught myself
How to maneuver around you

You are an obstacle course
And I have learned the hard way
How to anticipate your shifting moods

You are an obstacle course
And I've become an expert
In defense strategies against you

You are an obstacle course
And I am on the ground again
Swallowing air and wondering how I got here

II.
You are an obstacle course
But I am not the girl I was before
Accepting my fate with silence

No

I am going to make it through you
















Friday, February 14, 2014

Winter



Success is
Surviving the week without
Pulling my skin off

Success is 
Forcing myself not to flinch
When you sit next to me

Success is
Reminding my lungs
To pull in and push out

Success is 
Not looking for an exit
Every time I'm alone

Saturday, January 18, 2014

Tunnel Vision




I realized very early on
That life was cruel and unfair
Four words changed everything
You left and still haven't come back
And the monster is always waiting
Beyond my locked door

They trash and destroy 
The only thing I've ever wanted
While I let my insides burn up
And put a seal on my mouth
I am a stone with tunnel vision
Heaving myself through the crowd

Tuesday, December 3, 2013

Say something



On the really bad days
We'd hide out
Behind my locked bedroom door
And I would lie to you
Saying my hands were shaking
Because I was cold

On the really bad days
We'd turn up my music
To drown out
The shouting and the slamming doors
We'd sit with our backs
Against my bedroom door
Barricading ourselves away
From the anger down below

On the really bad days
I would tell you stories
Stories that carried a promise
That where we were
Wouldn't be forever
We held on during the battles
And I promised you
We would make it 
Through the war

Thursday, October 24, 2013

Paul

I've always had to take care of myself
I was an adult by age thirteen
And responsible for taking care of her

But 

I slipped up
When I gave him everything
Everything he didn't want

And

He took my lungs
Left me to fall apart
Living without air

So 

I became a ghost 
The forgotten girl in tears
I started to disappear

Until

You pulled me back from the edge
Fear in your eyes
With anger twisting your words

Then

You promised not to leave
And I told you not to make
Promises you couldn't keep




Friday, August 9, 2013

Beast


I can tell
That people think
You are dangerous
They avoid your eyes
And move aside
Parting like the sea

The scars that line your face
And twist along your arms
Ending at clenched fists
Tell a half story
And I wonder if anyone knows
What really happened to you
From the beginning 
To the very end

I've heard the rumors
The terrible things
They said were done to you
Always spoken in hushed tones
Behind open hands 
Hands that tried to hide
The ugliness
Of the words spilling out

When you look over at me
I can see the fury in your eyes
And I want to tell you
That I am angry too
None of this
Should have happened 
To you

But I am unsteady
Pushed along by those 
That are behind
So I stumble past you
Thrown back into the chaos
Of the crowded hall
Into a sea of people
That press between us 
And swallow me whole