Void

There have been too many days
Where I want to crawl into bed
And never come out
Sorrow hovering 
Along with a whisper
Of how it would be so much easier
To just get out now

(I am all hollowed out)

There have been too many days
Where I don't want to go out
I weigh the importance of every social event
How many can I miss before anyone notices?

(Turns out more than I thought)

There have been too many days
Where I pull the curtains shut
And curl up into a ball on the couch

I want to 

Forget

Forget 

Forget

I don't remember how to operate
I'm not even real anymore

(I thought emptiness wasn't supposed to hurt this much)

Stand by me

You ask me to be brave
And I'm trying

You tell me to get up
And hold out your hand

You drag me upward
And pull me forward

You tell me we are almost there
And I know that you are lying

You hold on tight to my hand
And as we stumble past the fallen

You ask me to brave
And I'm trying

I'm trying

Courage

And you call him a coward

You tell me he had a choice

Fool

You have no idea 

What it's like to live through hell

To pull yourself up and out of the shit

Without knowing where you will put your feet next

The only coward I see is you

Wednesday

I am not ready
To say goodbye to the one face
That I have always had to be steady for

I am tired of grief
Clawing away 
At my lungs and throat

I am not ready
To say goodbye to the one face
That I will never be able to see again

How can I say goodbye to you?
You who have made it so easy for me
To find happiness even on my saddest days

I am not good at letting go
And I know that I have always needed you
Far more than you have ever needed me

But

I am not ready

Surfacing

All the poems and stories

I have read

Talk about relief
When making it up to the surface
And finding a way out of the water
Finally being able to breathe

I always knew something was wrong with me

I don't want to break the surface
I've stopped fighting for the way up
I want to stay down here
Buried in the deep
Where it's silent and comfortable
And so easy 

Please let me stay down here in the dark

I know I'm drowning
But the panic is long gone
I am all that is left and I am free
So don't try to save me
I don't want to feel a thing

The way out

I.
You are an obstacle course
And I have taught myself
How to maneuver around you

You are an obstacle course
And I have learned the hard way
How to anticipate your shifting moods

You are an obstacle course
And I've become an expert
In defense strategies against you

You are an obstacle course
And I am on the ground again
Swallowing air and wondering how I got here

II.
You are an obstacle course
But I am not the girl I was before
Accepting my fate with silence

No

I am going to make it through you

Winter

Success is
Surviving the week without
Pulling my skin off

Success is 
Forcing myself not to flinch
When you sit next to me

Success is
Reminding my lungs
To pull in and push out

Success is 
Not looking for an exit
Every time I'm alone

Tunnel Vision

I realized very early on
That life was cruel and unfair
Four words changed everything
You left and still haven't come back
And the monster is always waiting
Beyond my locked door

They trash and destroy 
The only thing I've ever wanted
While I let my insides burn up
And put a seal on my mouth
I am a stone with tunnel vision
Heaving myself through the crowd