Wednesday

I am not ready
To say goodbye to the one face
That I have always had to be steady for

I am tired of grief
Clawing away 
At my lungs and throat

I am not ready
To say goodbye to the one face
That I will never be able to see again

How can I say goodbye to you?
You who have made it so easy for me
To find happiness even on my saddest days

I am not good at letting go
And I know that I have always needed you
Far more than you have ever needed me

But

I am not ready

Surfacing

All the poems and stories

I have read

Talk about relief
When making it up to the surface
And finding a way out of the water
Finally being able to breathe

I always knew something was wrong with me

I don't want to break the surface
I've stopped fighting for the way up
I want to stay down here
Buried in the deep
Where it's silent and comfortable
And so easy 

Please let me stay down here in the dark

I know I'm drowning
But the panic is long gone
I am all that is left and I am free
So don't try to save me
I don't want to feel a thing

The way out

I.
You are an obstacle course
And I have taught myself
How to maneuver around you

You are an obstacle course
And I have learned the hard way
How to anticipate your shifting moods

You are an obstacle course
And I've become an expert
In defense strategies against you

You are an obstacle course
And I am on the ground again
Swallowing air and wondering how I got here

II.
You are an obstacle course
But I am not the girl I was before
Accepting my fate with silence

No

I am going to make it through you

Winter

Success is
Surviving the week without
Pulling my skin off

Success is 
Forcing myself not to flinch
When you sit next to me

Success is
Reminding my lungs
To pull in and push out

Success is 
Not looking for an exit
Every time I'm alone

Tunnel Vision

I realized very early on
That life was cruel and unfair
Four words changed everything
You left and still haven't come back
And the monster is always waiting
Beyond my locked door

They trash and destroy 
The only thing I've ever wanted
While I let my insides burn up
And put a seal on my mouth
I am a stone with tunnel vision
Heaving myself through the crowd

Say something

On the really bad days
We'd hide out
Behind my locked bedroom door
And I would lie to you
Saying my hands were shaking
Because I was cold

On the really bad days
We'd turn up my music
To drown out
The shouting and the slamming doors
We'd sit with our backs
Against my bedroom door
Barricading ourselves away
From the anger down below

On the really bad days
I would tell you stories
Stories that carried a promise
That where we were
Wouldn't be forever
We held on during the battles
And I promised you
We would make it 
Through the war

Paul

I've always had to take care of myself

I was an adult by age thirteen

And responsible for taking care of her

But 

I slipped up

When I gave him everything

Everything he didn't want

And

He took my lungs

Left me to fall apart

Living without air

So 

I became a ghost 

The forgotten girl in tears

I started to disappear

Until

You pulled me back from the edge

Fear in your eyes

With anger twisting your words

Then

You promised not to leave

And I told you not to make

Promises you couldn't keep